


His Dirtied Knee

by joouheika



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2018-01-01 23:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joouheika/pseuds/joouheika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He should have known.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Dirtied Knee

**Author's Note:**

> an old work

Is this duty then?

Levi knows it isn’t.

Then what is it?

When Erwin had asked of him to consider Eren, Levi had no objections. He’d joined the Survey Corps because of Erwin after all. The decisions and insight Erwin carries are like a third eye and had saved his life and many other’s time and time again. How one defines many varies from person to person. In the dungeon of the courtroom Levi remembers.

Whatever expectations he’d carried meant nothing, what had been said on the streets, even what the documents from the military said, even the eye witnesses, all he took with a grain of salt. Reality is what he saw and what he made of it, and what Erwin could make from it.

This key Erwin hopes for, to unlock all the doors that hide the truth behind them, this key he longs for to reveal to them a weapon that cannot be beat, this key that will provide them the freedom they fight for-

Certainly.

Erwin is hoping for too much.

That is why Levi is here.

For the key to work a steady hand must have it.

And know to what doors it is able to be used.

Levi must find that out.

Even if the key is not compatible with every lock, he must make it so; so that the doors they want open or closed be as such.  


In the beginning it’d been their intention, should they obtain Eren, should it be as they thought it’d be, that such a weapon, such a power cannot be wasted- and the higher ups be convinced that so long as humanity’s strongest soldier could control Eren that he could later be of use. A strong weapon in the hands of their strongest soldier, was there no road paved for victory then?

Levi knows this is what Erwin intends.

He too had thought this plan had the potential to work.

Eren while wielding his own conviction, his own beliefs, his own desires that may correspond to their own- is still young, still impressionable. He falters, and stuck in a cage of amnesia and the ignorance of youth, he is tied down and limited by it. Given more experience, given a role model, a guide- surely he would be hindered no longer, chained no longer from his confusing developing power. If they could cultivate his powers (under Hanji’s inquisitive guidance, however risky) and tie his mutual ambition to their own- then-

The titans won’t stand a chance.

Rather.

They (humanity) would finally stand a chance.

Above all else that is what they strive for, what so many of them have died for, what they will die for when their time comes.

Erwin had entrusted Levi with this duty and this duty had been approved by the higher ups.

And Levi for the sake of humanity and based on his own deductions of his abilities and Eren’s potential had made this decision to uphold this duty with all his might.  


In order to survive.

But not once in his line of thought, in any speculation, in any analyst, from neither he nor Erwin did he even expect what else lay within this duty.

What else is there beyond duty?

It is not duty that drives him, after chaining Eren down properly before he sleeps, to return should need be minutes later after the boy has fallen asleep to place another blanket on him. It is not duty that asks of him, to always make sure Eren has his hood up, so prying eyes not find him should they seek him. It is not duty that tells him, to clean and properly bandage whatever wound Eren sports that Levi deems be healing too slowly. It is not duty that supports him, in thinking Eren too thin, to slip that extra piece of bread on his plate.

And it is not duty expected of him, that when the rain fell too heavy, to make sure- should Eren had gotten caught in it, to release him of his soaking mantle, and sopping wet clothes, dry him and prepare him a bath, coveting every limb every sigh every hesitant murmur and thank you-  
If that had not been duty what had it been?

His steady hand when Eren had accidentally transformed and his squad needed to be calmed, assured?

The Special Operations Squad and he exist to kill Eren should he get out of hand and were chosen for their high skill in killing titans and thus having the highest certainty to accomplish their duties. Atop of being practical it is also to isolate Eren from everyone else. 

In this manner can Levi control him.

Not just with physical strength.

(“Who is the real enemy?” Erwin had asked Eren.)

Levi cannot see who it is himself.

It is a faraway vision, taunting and dodging his every pursuit. Struggling too in its own horrible manner to survive. It will not reveal its true face fully to him. It will not turn to him though he can see its back. The nape of its neck.

No matter how fast he runs, no matter how many who fall beneath his feet, no matter the amount of sacrifice-

With Eren here now that sacrifice may not entirely be necessary, given the right circumstances in one fell swoop Eren could take him closer. And he could slice that nape. Even if he never saw its true face, so long as he defeated it, killed it- then that would be good enough. Surely.

The true enemy.

Levi thinks.

Thinks of Eren sitting so far from him at the table, biting into the extra bread, remembers his own satisfaction when he’d seen the plate had been eaten clean. Thinks of Eren trying to pull his bruised face away from Levi’s grasp and relenting when the struggle would prove even more bruises. Thinks of Eren stilled and hushed when Levi fixed his hood and fastened his mantle proper that should they even go into a gallop on the horses it’d stay in place, his soft mouth in a stern patient line as he lets Levi tie it, fasten it, perhaps too slowly for his liking and definitely much too slowly for one familiar with the article of clothing. Thinks of Eren’s apologies for getting the floor wet, how he’d been swearing under his breath about it as he’d walked in but the moment Levi had spotted him had slipped back into a formal pattern of speech, embarrassed and expectant of reprimand. Thinks of Eren drawing the added blankets tighter around him, rolling on his bed, the chains give a clink and clank, turning away, body and limbs thin, lanky even beneath all those layers and Levi wanting to run his hands over every angle, and Levi finds-

The true enemy must be man himself.

Or he too must be a monster, a beast.

What lies beyond duty.

He finds one word to describe it.

Dirty.

\--

Even when they are alone, should they be walking somewhere together- Eren is dutifully proper, rank and custom, official or expected- it’s natural he follows Levi and never the other way around. It’s natural too that he never falls into step with Levi.

Even though Levi wants him to.

It’s another day, on their way back to one of the cells Eren is staying in in the dungeon that Levi stops, abrupt, Eren almost bowling into him. His feet had still caught the back of Levi’s, startled, he apologises and steps back hastily, almost stumbling over himself. Levi’s glare harsh and critical, he sees a multitude of possible punishments Eren thinks are on his way, flash over his face, his flinching brow and tense shoulders.

“Why do you do that?”

Is what Levi asks and Eren looks on confused. The confusion at the very least has distracted him from what possible physical or verbal pain he thought he’d have to endure in consequence. 

“I’m very sorry sir. I will be more prepared next time.”

Levi sighs.

“You don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about do you?”

Eren is trying extremely hard to not look away from him now, but Levi can see the sweat on his brow, his face reddening with embarrassment at having got caught. It’d not been difficult. He’d not been expecting Eren to know what he’d been talking about to begin with, that is nothing new.

“I’m afraid I don’t sir! However I will be sure to be more careful next time!”

“How on earth can you be prepared or careful for something you have no knowledge of?”

Eren’s shoulders no longer tense, but at attention as if he’s realised something, and Levi knows Eren is controlling his voice now from the small tremors in it, though he does nothing about the volume-

“That may be! But even in such a case it’s absolutely meaningless to do nothing!”

Eren still doesn’t know what Levi is talking about but Levi knows what Eren is talking about. With that in mind it’d be cruel to continue this further.

“A satisfactory answer. Then know from now on that in the case we are alone you are to walk aside me to prevent this,” Levi looks down to the offending aftermath of Eren’s inattentiveness- the scuff marks on the back of his boots- “I don't want this happening again, do you understand?”

Eren’s shoulders are tense again- “Understood! However…”

“However?”

“I cannot abide by that sir.”

Levi turns around fully. Arms folded.

“Oh? Tell me for what reason you can disobey my orders?”

Eren is looking down, not upon the scuff marks given they’re turned away, but around his own boots, as if looking upon himself reminds him of something. His brow furrowed, he’s biting at his bottom lip, thinking if he should say what he’s thinking-

“Hurry and spit it out then.”

“…if you really order it then I will obey. But if it’s alright I would like to always walk behind you.”

It’d been brief but often like how the ground shakes when they’re all riding on horseback at once, or a group of titans is running towards them, or how rocks fall from steep cliffs, Levi feels the turmoil in his chest, his lungs. Just a little.

It’s uncomfortable.

It almost hurts.

Eren doesn’t want to walk aside him.

Eren-

“Please forgive me, while I do not think it’d be right for me to walk aside you for any of the obvious reasons I’m sure you’re aware of- it is also for my own selfishness that I’d like to continue walking behind you.”

Slowly, his gaze leaves the tips of his feet, the stones of the cold floor below, rising to and from Levi’s boots, his legs, his stomach, chest- until they reach Levi’s eyes-  
  
“That day in the courtroom had not been the first time you saved me- we met at Trost did we not? Though everything is rather hazy since I’d just emerged from my titan form and I don’t remember all the details clearly- there is one thing I recall in perfect detail- that I am sure had not been a dream.”

At Trost Eren and his friends were just about to be eaten by titans.

Eren using his titan form had sealed the newly made hole in Wall Rose.

Because of that the tragedy that’d befallen Wall Maria had been avoided.

Had Levi not made it to them in time then-

“I don’t think I was fully aware of the danger I’d been in then, yet upon waking- seeing you up against the sky as you stood atop the corpse of a titan… those Wings of Freedom on your back… comforted me after that struggle. I thought, if this is the last thing I ever see- if I cannot see the red earth, the mountains of ice, the vast sea… then it is an honour to at the very least see such valiant wings.”

Eren wanted to become a figure of hope to the people, even if he is feared and hated by many- if just as many found hope in his strength enough to forge the will to continue struggling towards great escape then-

“…uhm, that is… to not be able to see your back Corporal would be… difficult for me…”

Levi turns around again.

“If you want to see it that badly I won’t go out of my way to refuse you.”

He can’t see it, but from Eren’s intake of breath his expression must be at the very least mildly pleased. Levi wants to see it, he wants to turn around and keep it in his vision along with that of Eren’s expression of just moments ago. Too fond, too soft, warm and accepting.

He really is young to be able to still make an expression like that.

Levi remembers how soft Eren’s face had been from when he’d bandaged it.

When he’d struck it-

He sharply glances back, stopping. Eren successfully avoids scuffing his boots, more.

“You’ll be cleaning these boots once we’ve reached your cell.”

Eren stands at attention.

“Yes sir!”

As if he would have it any other way.

When they reach Eren's cell Levi sits upon Eren's bed as he kneels before him and begins to clean his boots, his dark hair from time to time brushing against the side of his right knee. Apologies are made when his brow keeps knocking against it as well. Levi keeps his eyes firmly concentrated on his left knee the entire time. Waiting for Eren's hair to touch it too.

He's disappointed when it never does.


End file.
